When Knocking On Death's Door
by FireflyFanatic3x
Summary: When knocking on Death's door ... it's best to leave a note behind. I wasn't sure whether to upload this or not, but decided - why not? So here it is ... please review! When he thought he may die, Dean wrote a letter which we never got to see...


**A/N – I wasn't sure if I should even bother uploading this … lots of doubts about it. It's so hard to get Dean's characterisation, and I could never decide on his writing style, or exactly what he'd say. I just couldn't seem to get it out … but I've had it for ages, so I might as well let you guys see it … tell me what you think …**

**In 2x11 when Dean thought he might die on that table, he wrote a letter. And it wasn't addressed to his brother, or Bobby (his 'father'), or Lisa, the woman he loved … it was addressed to Ben, his _son_.**

**I have always considered Dean and Ben to be father and son, and always wanted them to be that way. It _broke my heart _when things ended the way they did. It also kinda annoyed me how we never got to see what that letter said, because I was desperate to read it!**

**As for the Samulet bit … I couldn't resist, I'm sorry I just… that necklace breaks my heart and this would be the perfect way to bring it back! /3!**

**I've also just realised that Dean and Ben's conversation was in 6x14 _after_ he would have sent this letter … ah well, just brush over that fact! lol...**

**Please review! ;)**

**-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-**

_**When Knocking On Death's Door…**_

Dear Ben,

I know reading this isn't going to be easy for you, and I wish sometimes that I didn't have to write it. But the truth is, one day, whether it's tomorrow or a few years from now – I am going to die. Everyone dies in the end, and it's not something anybody likes to think about. But I'm well aware, as I'm sure you are too, that what I do is dangerous. Chances are – I'm going to die soon.

I'm writing this to you because it's about time I got off my ass and told you. About everything. I know there are a lot of things I never told you when I was with you and your mom, things you asked about, thinks you didn't … but I didn't tell you anything because I wanted to protect you.

I guess the best place to start is the beginning. Sam and I were raised to be hunters and we never had a choice. Well that was our dad's way of protecting us because he wanted to know we could defend ourselves if anything ever came for us. And I loved my dad, I looked up to him so much! He could never do anything wrong in my eyes. But Sam hated him for what he did to us. And looking back now, I can see all the mistakes my dad made. He was a great hunter, but a crappy father to us both. I mean, he loved us, and he really tried, but me and Sam never had a chance at a normal life. It wasn't until I found myself with a kid who I really cared for that I finally realised how hard it was to get that balance right. I wanted to know you were safe, but I do _not_ want you to have to live my life either.

Before I met your mom, I'd never had a real girlfriend, and I never had any friends that weren't hunters like me. I'd never had time for anyone except for my dad and Sam. That's just the way it had to be. But though I never really admitted it to myself for a long time, it was your kind of life which I wanted. I wanted an ordinary, boring life so much! But unfortunately there are some things I just can't have. Saving the world is my responsibility, because I'm one of the few people that knows how. And that kind of life means I can't build a family beyond what I already have, because sooner or later everyone around me dies. I've lost both my parents, Sam lost his girlfriend, and we've both lost countless friends to this life. And if you're around me for long, Ben, soon I'll lose you too.

It wasn't long after I came to your mom that I realised it wasn't just her I loved – it was you too. You know when I first saw you, I was convinced you must be my son, because I looked at you and just saw myself when I was a kid. But it wasn't long before I realised you _are_ my son. There may not be any science that says so, but I've been around enough to know that family isn't about who or where you came from. It's about the people you love. You told me that, some time ago, when you wanted me to come home. You reminded me that family is so important to me. And you were right. Which only makes this harder to say …

It's time I said goodbye. I wish I could have been in your life more, that maybe I could have come back somehow, to spend some time with you. But it's not fair to do that to you, and it's selfish. You are family, but the more I stick around, the more you'll end up like me. And if I learned anything from my father, it's that this hunting life should not ever be forced onto anyone. This way you have a choice of being whoever you want to be.

And in a way, I guess it's easier for me. Because this way I get to say my goodbye. I get to tell you how much you mean to me, how you are a huge part of the very small family I have. But you don't.

I'd like to think you saw me as a father, even if I was a crap one at times. And I want you to know, I never stopped thinking about you. No matter how much I try to forget you and your mom, you're always there in the back of my mind. Because you can't just erase who your family are, and you've been a part of my family for a long time now.

I'm sending you this letter Ben, because I'm dead. By the time you're reading this I'll be in the grave already – killed trying to save this stupid old world. And I want you to know just how much I loved you. I never really told you, and I regret that. But now you know. I love you, like a son. You may grow up and your mom will find someone else, you'll find another guy to be your dad, but to me, you will always be my son.

I've enclosed something for you. I know you never saw me wear it, but I always used to when I was a kid. I never took it off, not once. Until a couple of years ago. I had a fight with my brother, so I threw it in the trash. But I've learned since then that family is the most important thing. All I have in life are the people I love, and you're one of them. And I think it's only fitting, as Sam gave it to me when we were kids, that I give it to you … it should stay in the family.

So take good care of you mom for me, you're the man of the house now.

Dean


End file.
